How This One P-Word Helped Me Find Myself

 

I think I know why the women in Romantic Comedies end up so happy…

 

So far, words of encouragement lie on every social media platform with hopes that 2017 serves as a fresh start for us all (especially us women) and that we all get fit, find love and kick ass without busting our asses. But of course, I believe that part of the past needs to be acknowledged before we pledge our allegiance to a successful 2017.

It wasn’t till one November morning (2015) while celebrating my mother’s birthday that what seemed like my most genius plan of finishing community college and moving to New York in the next year looked more disarranged than the eggs on my plate. My dreams of working in the fashion industry had stuck with me since the day I drew a picture of a mock turtleneck sweater and beret in Mr. Kholmans art class. Of course the reality of moving to a big city and making it had never phased me till I was sitting over a cup of black coffee with Mylar balloons that seemed to foreshadow the irony that 2016 would be; everything but “Happy”, rainbows and butterflies. What commenced as a triumphant discussion on how I had done pretty well with my midterms, quickly turned into the infamous questions that easily evoke doubt in every college student’s mind; “So you’re going to be graduating soon but have you really looked into if you could succeed in this field?”” Why don’t you stay local? “”New Yorks waaay to expensive. Only a handful of people make it”” I don’t know if you have what it takes right now… It’s fairly competitive field …” Just like that, a trigger was pulled on my confidence.

After stating my plans and seeing the uneasy look of those sitting at the table with me, especially my parents after telling them how much FIT cost, a flood of doubt came over me.  Leaving a good, but highly stressful job and being stuck in a few of the worst, failing the same class twice, being unable to keep up with just about any relationship (family, romantic, friendships), sidetracking what was important to me like my faith, and already losing focus on The Touch Of Gold etc. – were just a few of the straws that also landed on the camel’s back). Over the course of that year, the level of assurance that once was significantly high had now lowered itself to an unrecognizable level of uncertainty.

Doubt left me emotionally volatile in, which now being able to identify it, I recall one of the most frightening moments I’ve experienced; an uncontrollable panic attack driving down a busy intersection a few days before I decided to leave my job. The best way I can describe a panic attack or at least mine, are that they feel like every cell in your body is rejecting the adrenaline caused by your emotions and absolutely nothing in your body can control it. Just like the car, It felt like I had no direction, nor any control over what was going on in my life anymore. After stabilizing my emotions and the shaking, I sat there taking deep breaths reasoning why I would allow my body and mind to reach such an unhealthy position. (Sleep deprivation, skipping meals, boycotting the things I loved to do ( all while pulling a facade of happiness and togetherness for the blog…)) I had no right to treat myself that way nor did I have a reason to. After realizing how unsatisfied I was with my position at work, I decided to leave. The thing with certain fashion careers are that you could start small but if you allow yourself to be accessible to the right people at the right time, there could be a huge advantage in your future and I was given that- a high volume store with people from all over the US coming in to train for district manager positions that could potentially push me into the right direction for a career in Visual Merchandising and after having FINALLY met with Head of Visuals, it felt like everything I had accomplished with my job had been done in vain. But after accepting the level of unhappiness that I was under, I decided that I would have to be in a place that even though may not be ALL satisfactory, would at least allow me to keep some hair on my head.

The next couple months were stressful. I added two other jobs to my resume and each one left me feeling worse than the other. When I finally started to feel like I was accomplishing something significant, life would get in the way. I listened to COUNTLESS motivational Ted Talks about happiness, time management, and satisfaction. You name it. But it wasn’t till I found myself seeking and pushing forward into a mentally healthy lifestyle that things started looking up. I started attending church again and God started allowing me to see things in a different view. Pr. Kory Cassell preached a sermon one day about how when he was a child, he would always sit on the floor next to his mother would cross stitch. After seeing the bottom of the craft being all tangled and messy, he became curious as to why his mother would possibly be working on something unattractive and unorganized. As he continued to tell the story, he went on to say that the day his mother finished, she asked if he wanted to see the finished product, skeptical he agreed and she showed him the beautiful masterpiece she had made. Though it was fairly complex from the bottom, when you looked at the plan from the top you could see that every meticulous part of the stitching was needed and that all that was missing was the right perspective. (LINK BELOW: Starts at 27:05) So from that day forward, I decided to bless those tangled moments in my life because without them part of the craftsmanship is missing. I can’t promise I won’t be stressed, but I can promise to think twice about what it is I’m stressing about. Just this year alone, while changing my perspective, I started saying “YES” to a lot of things I would usually turn down and found that the “YES” has brought me more joy than I’ve expected.  (I can now say that I know why the woman in RomComs feel the way they feel when they decide to do 2 things… 1. Change Their Outlook on their unmanageable situations and 2. Focus On themselves” because happily ever after moments only come after that realization.)

*I believe at this point I should inform you that in no way do I have my life put together or are the puzzle pieces fitting exactly like they should (I’m still a little neurotic at times) but my dreams are still intact and though my trajectory has changed, I’ve learned that no matter the journey you’re on, the only way you will succeed is if you treat your mind and body correctly because those are 2 things you will bring with you on your path. “Once you’ve hit your lowest of the lows, it’s only up from here” to quote my friend, Emily Bellomo.

Finally, with a fresh start and my mind back in the game, I found myself yearning to find success and going back to the basis of what I wanted this blog to represent; Prosperity, Success, and most importantly the advances in becoming “Try”-umphant. As for me, 2017 is the year of self-discovery and learning to become victorious with the cards you are dealt with and ultimately making the most of it. There is absolutely no doubt that with the greatness that success brings; trial and error are never far behind it. With that being said, this year, I’m excited to bring more than fashion to the table. This year is the year of fresh perspective and I believe it’s a year of conquest so I will be expanding my range of blog posts on posts that matter to me & you. 

So again, thank you for those who haven’t given up on me.

Much Love,

Carol Wingester

Author: Carol Wingester

Photo: Ruth Azevedo ( Check out her Portfolio here)